The Semi Conscious Me

It must be around 6 in the morning; I woke up with a weird sinking feeling. In this state you are self aware of your surroundings but your body is comatose. You are not fully aware who you are or where you are?

Today, even in that state, I was aware of all my problems. I have had a lot of problems. Most of them I have had in last few years.

Then, came all the problems that have been happening at work, worse as a leader is that you are aware of all the problems that would come in next few days.

Then, I became aware of all my debts. Debt is the worst form of problem because it keeps you aware of itself and there is no immediate solution to it.

Then, came the realization of loneliness. I knew that amongst all these problems I was alone. No one to help and no one to go for help. Your life suddenly becomes very sad.

At this moment in that semi conscious state I became aware of a solution and that was Suicide. I realized that it was the easiest and the quickest way out. I started to figure out how to do it.

As my awareness grew I realized that I was actually sleeping and dreaming. However, still couldn’t move a muscle and the sinking feeling stuck around.

Waking up was hard but once aware I became conscious of my identity. I knew this was once in almost two decades that I had this self destructive feeling. Last time I had it was when I was 18.

I had worked very hard to become the optimist and to overcome that sinking feeling. Now, I know I am an optimist and would never commit suicide. But, the feeling was enough to scare me.

When I used to play cricket everyone used to ask me what goes on in your head when you face a bowler. I always told them nothing. You are nervous when you walk into bat, you are nervous when you face the first delivery and you are nervous when you are batting in tough situation. However, I have always felt that when the bowler starts running you lose that consciousness of the surrounding and ball is the only thing you see. When the bowler bowls the ball you treat it according to its own merit and the requirement of the game. Hence, the outcome just depends on the ability to execute the reaction in your brain. That is what we all should ideally do when we are faced with tough problems, just concentrate on the next step.

(On the tangent, that is why I am so impressed with Sehwag, nothing bothers him, he always backs his ability and hits the ball without any botheration, and his ability to back your instincts is amazing)

Somebody had once told me that you can tell what would happen on the way how your day starts. My feeling is that you know by it how hard you need to work that day. Today, I am working hard even in writing this because that sadness is lingering on.